This week has been an especially trying one. I have been sick which I really can't afford to be. I have so much on my plate and an already full schedule that being sick puts me in the red for time, energy and patience. Not good, since I am supposed to be working on patience. I think in the last day or two my kids finally realized that even though I keep going like nothing is wrong, I really did feel sick. They were more sympathetic and even said a little prayer for me. So sweet! These are the moments that make it all worthwhile right? Anyway, I was so sick on Wednesday that I decided I needed to go to the doctor for sure. I was coughing like crazy and feeling achy and just overall miserable. I was in a battle with myself though because I didn't really want to go. I knew they would either tell me it was a virus and to just wait it out or they would throw me on antibiotics. Neither sounded appealing and I really didn't want to drag all my kids with me to the doctor so that we could contract some other nasty disease while we were there. All of the sudden it came to me. I needed a blessing. My home teacher came and gave me a fabulous blessing. There was so much great stuff in there not only about my illness but about my life in general, some really great counsel. I realized this morning as I was getting ready for the day that there really is always purpose in suffering and trials. If I had to get sick so that I would be humble enough to ask for a blessing so my Heavenly Father could speak to me and bless me then it was worth it. I am grateful for the trials I have had and continue to have and for the lessons they teach me. They are molding me and shaping me into a person I am more proud to be. I have gained empathy, some patience, compassion and perspective. I am no longer the same person I used to be. I want to be clay in the potter's hands, constantly being shaped into who Heavenly Father ultimately wants me to be. I am grateful for the wisdom and guidance that my Heavenly Father sent to me. I am grateful for a worthy and willing home teacher. I am grateful for the kindness and concern of my children. I am grateful for the Atonement. I am grateful for this holiday where we get to think of all that our Savior did for us. I am grateful for the opportunity we will soon have to listen to conference. I am grateful that in a world that seems evil and dirty, there are so many blessings if we just look for them instead of dwelling on the negative around us. Even though we wouldn't always choose to have trials, I am grateful for the patience I have gained through them.

I had an epiphany just now. I really need to practice patience with myself. I am here trying to be patient with everyone else in my life but am not giving that same courtesy to myself. I have been feeling exceptionally tired and run down and I think it is because I have been spending too much time thinking of all the things I am not doing or not doing well enough. I need to be kind to myself and cut myself some slack. With all the use of social media these days I think it is so hard not to compare. I heard something one time that really struck me. It went something like this...we should not compare our real life to what we see on social media. If we do we are comparing everyone else's best days and kodak moments to our worst day. This is a recipe for disaster. This could lead to depression, anxiety, feelings of worthlessness. I have seen this happen to people I know and it can be truly debilitating. I need to focus more on what I am doing well and how far I have come. My "Boise" mom who has taken me in as her own gave me a bracelet for Easter. It has a picture of a Phoenix on it. I asked her if the bracelet had been hers. She said it had been her grandmothers. I was so touched that she would trust me with such a treasure. I mentioned the Phoenix and said that I think that needs to become my personal mascot. I feel like I was at the lowest of lows and over the last year and a half I have risen out of the ashes and begun to soar. I have risen above the loss and the grief and the pain of rejection. I have overcome physical, mental and emotional obstacles. I have made goals and started on the path to accomplish them. I have learned that "I can do hard things!" I guess the other half of the epiphany is that if I can be more patient with myself, patience with others will come more easily. I feel like this is the beginning of a fabulous week. I am grateful for the tender mercies that Heavenly Father provides me with on a daily basis. I know with Him all things are possible!